Ever get an empty feeling after your bestie tells you they're going on a lavish trip or an extraordinary adventure?
A 2024 study, Friendship stings: Jealousy behind a close friend's extraordinary experiences, co-led by Eugene Chan, marketing professor at TMU's Ted Rogers School of Management, says that reaction is surprisingly common.
"We often assume close friends will always share in our happiness, especially when something amazing happens in our lives," he says. "Turns out, it may do the exact opposite."
Close friendships can sometimes spark jealousy when extraordinary experiences are involved
Eugene Chan, marketing professor at the Ted Rogers School of Management
Why close friends can make us feel jealous
The study looked at how people react when a close friend has a rare or unique experience, like winning a dream vacation.
The findings? Close friendships can spark jealousy in ways that casual friendships don't.
Chan points to two main reasons:
First, we compare our place in their life.
When a close friend heads to Whistler, B.C. for the holidays with other friends, it can sting.
"We might feel we're not as close as we thought," says Chan. "There's a bit of social comparison at play."
Second, we measure ourselves against them. Social comparison describes how we measure ourselves against others. It can carry real emotional weight.
When we compare ourselves to others in our social circles, it impacts our self-worth and shapes how we see ourselves and our relationships. It can affect our mood and, in extreme cases, our mental health.
The study says that seeing a friend's advantage disrupts the similarity between friends and poses a challenge to the friendship.
In the study, researchers gave participants scenarios like: Your friend had an extraordinary weekend. How would you feel?'
Participants rated their emotions. Jealousy scored highly.
"Recognizing these feelings as normal can help us manage them," says Chan.
How jealousy shows up in friendships
Although not measured directly in the study, Chan notes that jealousy often appears in subtle ways:
- slight distancing
- muted enthusiasm
- silence or minimal responses
These reactions may stem from envy, but also from feeling left out or hurt.
What not to do
TMU Marketing Professor Eugene Chan shares research that shows that while close friendships are built on shared joy and support, they also come with challenges.
Worried your friend will feel bad about your amazing trip? Keeping it secret might make things worse.
"If the friend finds out through mutual friends or on Instagram, the feelings of jealousy can heighten," says Chan. "We're likely to feel the friend should have at least talked to us about the experience, especially if they've told the whole world on social media."
Social media fuels comparison
Ever feel worse after scrolling through a friend's Instagram or TikTok? You're not imagining it.
Social media lets us create highlight reels of our best moments: Trips to paradise, exclusive events or major life moments like wedding proposals or promotions. It's tough not to compare.
With the holidays coming up - a prime time for travel, celebrations and big announcements - these comparisons can steal our joy.
Chan says this effect is even stronger when the posts come from people we know personally.
We distinguish between influencers and the friends we follow on social platforms. Our comparisons to friends are more influential.
Eugene Chan, marketing professor at the Ted Rogers School of Management
If we see our friends posting extraordinary trips to Italy over the summer break while we're still here in downtown Toronto, social media can amplify these feelings, Chan explains.
Taking a break from scrolling helps.
If you're the one sharing good news
If you're sharing news about a fabulous trip this season, Chan offers simple advice: "Say less, rather than more."
This doesn't mean hiding or minimizing your experiences. It means being mindful not to overshare.
Giving friends a bit of context can also help. Explain why you're travelling or planning experiences with certain people.
Open communication can go a long way. Acknowledge your friend's feelings and reassure them that they matter to you. This can ease tension and strengthen the friendship.
What this means for holiday shopping
Many of us shop more as the holidays approach. Chan notes that advertisers know how to harness the power of social comparison to sell their products.
By showcasing stylized images of status, luxury and perfect lifestyles, marketers tap into how we see ourselves. Our self-image gets linked to consumer goods.
As co-director of the Institute for Sustainable Practices in Research and Enterprise (INSPIRE) a research hub focused on sustainable management practices that balance financial success with social and environmental responsibility Chan applies a social-psychology lens to better understand consumer behaviour and decision-making.
His advice for the season: Don't let flashy ads or a friend's luxury vacation push you into spending beyond your budget.
"Resist the urge to overspend to prove your value or worth," he says.
